Erik Dumps Janet Jackson After Concert

An ENN Special Report

January 15, 2002; Web Posted at 10:45 PM JST

 

--RITTO, Japan

 

It Was A Cold And Windy Night and Erik had just gotten home from watching his then-girlfriend, Janet Jackson, perform yet another amazing concert at the Osaka Dome in Osaka, Japan.

 

The usual throng of reporters waiting at Erik's door got only a brief statement from him as he entered his apartment, visibly shaken.  "Uh, the concert was great.  Babycakes-- er, I mean, Janet always does a great job."

 

ENN has learned that Erik did indeed sit in the seventh row, just a rose throw away from the stage.  "Amazing seats... it was like Janet was just across the street," Erik said just after the concert at the Osaka Dome.  Janet allegedly performed all of her major hits, and even some of her lesser-known songs over more than two hours on stage, to the delight of the rather quiet but thoroughly entertained crowd.

 

Erik's great seats, which allowed him to watch the stage itself, and not the jumbotron monitors, turned out to be a mixed blessing, however.

 

"She, uh, she started singing one of her new songs -- Would You Mind, you know?"  This song is one of the most scandalous Janet has ever performed, and in an ENN survey, the song turned on 100% of men.*

 

"So, after starting this song, she suddenly stopped," Erik recounted, "and she said, 'It's getting kinda lonely up here.'"  Then, Janet evidently searched the crowd for someone to join her on stage while she sang this seductive song.  "She looked around... she must have seen me!" Erik said, tears welling in his eyes.  With that, he turned and ran into his apartment.

 

According to eyewitnesses, Janet proceeded to pick a man from the front row.  This man was subsequently "FREAKED" by Janet while he was strapped into a bed.  Janet reportedly "straddled and kissed and basically bleeped this man on stage," according to one eyewitness.

 

Erik, sitting a mere seven rows away, was devastated.  "I saw the whole thing," he said.  The next morning, Erik's office in Boise, Idaho, released a one-line statement: "Babycakes and I are no longer together.  It's her fault."

 

Stay with ENN as we continue to keep you up to date on this developing story and its effect on Erik and the entire Ritto community.

 

Click here for more on this story.

 

 

*ENN/Gallup poll of 1 person, margin of error +/- 100%

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Japanese Magazine Features Erik

January 9, 2002; Web Posted at 10:06 PM JST

 

--KYOTO, Japan

 

it was a quiet afternoon at Starbucks Coffee in Japan, and Erik was enjoying a cup of his favorite Starbucks drink, when suddenly a man Erik had never met before came running up.

 

"He just appeared out of nowhere and started asking questions in Japanese," Erik explained in a later interview on CNN's American Morning with Paula Zahn.  "Luckily, I had someone with me to translate.  But this guy was asking some pretty personal questions -- he wanted my name, my job, and what kind of coffee I was drinking."

 

The mystery man was later identified as a reporter for a Kyoto university publication, Fresh.  The man also insisted on getting photographs of Erik.  "Apparently, he was just interviewing me for a story about Starbucks.  And here I thought he was an al Qaeda operative or something," Erik told a smiling Paula Zahn.  "Oh, and by the way, Paula, your show sucks, and you are a joke.  See ya."  With that, Paula's smile quickly disappeared, and Erik abruptly ended the interview.

 

In the latest development to this unusual story, ENN has learned that Erik has personally received a copy of the December issue of Fresh, and he found the photograph of himself in a special report on the opening of the new Starbucks in Shiga Prefecture.  At seeing himself in what he called a "major media publication," Erik was quoted as humbly exclaiming, "Finally!"

 

Stay with ENN as we keep you updated on Erik's appearance in the Japanese media.

 

Click for a copy of the article featuring Erik!

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Erik Evades Koizumi Operative, Re-Enters Japan

January 3, 2002; Web Posted at 11:43 PM EST

 

--RITTO, Japan

 

Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi, who has been involved in a seemingly endless battle with Erik since last August, apparently unleashed some of his most vicious operatives to prevent Erik from re-entering Japan.  One of them sat next to Erik on his non-stop flight from the US to Osaka -- and in those 14 hours, this operative did significant damage to Erik's ability to move.  Indeed, Erik reportedly found himself having trouble "even hearing myself think" because of this expert Koizumi operative.

 

"I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could barely breathe," Erik told reporters waiting at Kansai International Airport.  "The guy would NOT stop talking.  You would think after 14 hours he'd run out of topics and let someone just read, or watch the movie, or SLEEP.  AHH!"  Erik then ran past customs and successfully entered Japan, despite Prime Minister Koizumi's insistence that he be stopped at the border.  "Curses, foiled again!" Koizumi was reported as saying.

 

Eyewitnesses on the airplane report that the Koizumi operative sitting next to Erik on the plane "talked non-stop about old girlfriends, the weather, his time spent with family in Virginia, how much he wanted to visit Japan, and his favorite kinds of sushi."  Then, in what analysts call a desperate move to try to incapacitate a very unflappable Erik, "He actually made Erik read his book of personal poetry, complete with such original and inspiring titles as 'Flying With the Clouds,' 'I Want to Tell You,' and 'I Miss You.'  In a related story, eyewitnesses report that Erik requested an "amazing" five barf bags from the flight attendants during the course of the flight.

 

How Erik managed to evade this well trained operative remains a mystery, but he safely arrived in his apartment at 8:35 PM.  Janet Jackson was seen entering the apartment at about 8:37 PM.

 

As always, stay with ENN in this new year as we continue to keep tabs on Erik's scandalous adventures in and around Japan.

 

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Janet Jackson Invites Erik to Concert

January 10, 2002; Web Posted at 10:26 PM EST

 

--OSAKA, Japan

 

Erik's current girlfriend, Janet Jackson, cordially issued an invitation for Erik to attend her upcoming concert at the Osaka Dome in Osaka this Saturday, January 12.  Erik was reportedly "put off" by the tardiness of the invitation, but he also stated that he and Janet would "reconcile their differences privately, during the night after the concert."

 

According to documents uncovered by ENN, Erik has a pair of 7th row seats for the concert.  Whether these tickets are actually 7th row is yet to be determined, because no one here at ENN is able to read the Japanese character for "row," but our investigation will continue.

 

Janet Jackson was unavailable for comment, but at Ritto High School, where Erik is an English teacher, scores of young women  were very available for comment.  "Eriku has girlfriend?!" said one, moments before collapsing into uncontrollable weeping fits.  "Janeto Jackusan?  I'm fine sank you, and you?" said another.

 

Clearly, this announcement has caused some emotional damage at Ritto High School, but the effect on Erik due to this concert remains to be seen.  Stay with ENN during and after the concert on January 12 for the latest updates.

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ENN Admired by University Students

January 30, 2002; Web Posted at 2:34 PM JST

 

--KYOTO, Japan

 

It Was just another day at the office for Erik.  He had just finished teaching classes for the day, and he sat back and began to admire yet another day of fine work at Ritto High School.  He went to check his email, and, he said, "That's when it all started."

 

"What?!" he exclaimed, as he noticed that he had some 32 new messages in his inbox.  "Did I sign up to be notified whenever ENN has a special update or something?"

 

Not at all, it turned out.  According to sources at Yahoo! who spoke on condition of anonymity, Erik received 31 email messages from Japanese university students he had never met before, and one message from a friend of his who teaches at a university in Kyoto.

 

This message from the university teacher reportedly told Erik that "I just had my class visit eriklove.com, and I had them write you emails as part of their assignment.  Hope you don't mind!!"

 

Erik was reportedly jumping for joy.  "They like me!!!  They really like me!!!"

 

Despite having never met Erik, many of the university students seem to know him rather well.  One wrote that Erik's Japanese language ability is "very very good.  Do you teach our professor how to speak Japanese?"  Another wrote, "Erik Dumps: I love your website."  This student apparently mistook Erik's name from a headline on ENN at the time: "Erik Dumps Janet Jackson."

 

Stay with ENN as we continue to monitor eriklove.com's rising popularity in Japan.

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Cooking Show, Starring Erik, Debuts at Ritto High School

January 30, 2002; Web Posted at 2:09 PM JST

 

--RITTO, Japan

 

a new phenomenon is sweeping English education at Ritto High School, where Erik is employed as an Assistant Language Teacher (ALT).  On Tuesday, January 29, top Ritto High School officials (speaking on condition of anonymity) told ENN that Erik had begun a new lesson that involved cooking a meal in the classroom.

 

The only problem with this scenario, our source said, is that Erik doesn't even know how to cook for himself, much less for an entire class of innocent high school students.

 

On Wednesday night, Erik appeared on the acclaimed FoxNews program "The O'Reilly Factor."  Bill O'Reilly grilled Erik repeatedly over the allegations that he was cooking in the classroom.  "Are the claims true?" he asked at a heated point in the interview.

 

Erik calmly replied, "Yes, but I don't see--"

 

"Unbelievable, just unbelievable," Mr. O'Reilly interrupted, "So what you're telling me is that you, Erik Love, the kid who can barely make water boil, was hosting some kind of, of English 'cooking show?'  And what's this about you doing a fake Italian accent while putting pepperoni on the pizza?  Do you think you're Martha Stewart or something?"

 

"Exactly, Bill, and it was great.  Only one student seemed to develop digestion problems," Erik said, before abruptly ending the interview.

 

Surveillance photos obtained by ENN show Erik and two of his co-teachers preparing a meal of "Pizza Toast" for the students, while wearing stylish aprons.  According to eyewitnesses, the pizza toast lesson involved having the students write their own recipes in English, in a sad attempt by Erik to get some free cooking advice from his students, who are clearly better cooks than Erik is.

 

Ritto High School would make no official comment on the scandal, and Erik's office in Ritto similarly could not be reached for comment.  Several students, however, had much to say.  One student was quoted as saying, "Pizza toast!!  Pizza toast!!  Yes!  Oh yes!!"  Another student reportedly said, "It's sunny!" although it was raining at the time.

 

Stay with ENN as we follow this breaking story and attempt to bring you photographic evidence of the scandal.

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