Eminem Mistaken for Erik at Ritto High School

September 28, 2001; Web Posted at 1:02 PM JST

 

On Friday, rapper Eminem took the stage at Ritto High School's annual Culture Festival, performing his global hit, "The Real Slim Shady (Please Stand Up)".  Unfortunately for Eminem, everyone in the audience was convinced that he was actually Erik-sensei, the school's English teacher.

 

"Erik-sensei is so good at rapping!" said fellow English teacher Kamo-sensei, through a translator.  "Just look at him lop that flow!"  Several students were also interviewed by our reporter on the scene.  They reportedly said, "Very good," and another student was quoted as saying "Good morning!" followed by hysterical laughter.

 

At press time, Eminem was unavailable for comment.  Frankly, we couldn't find him at the school anywhere.  Erik-sensei, however, released a press statement that said, in part, "I am flattered that so many students thought I was Eminem.  In fact, I am a much better rapper than he is."

 

Several eyewitnesses insisted that it was, in fact, Erik on the stage, rapping, as Eminem's song was played in the background by a student "DJ."  One teacher said, "I know that's Erik-sensei.  He was talking to me about being nervous for rapping in front of so many students.  He was nervous because he is so 'white.'"

 

For his part, Erik's statement flatly denies that he was performing Eminem.  "I would never, ever, think of making a fool of myself in front of so many people by performing a song.  The very thought of it is ridiculous.  But, I thank Eminem for his remarkable showmanship and good looks during the culture festival today."

 

Stay with ENN as we continue to investigate this exclusive story.  As always, we'll bring you the latest developments as they happen.

 

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Erik Screws Up ANOTHER Tea Ceremony

September 27, 2001; Web Posted at 9:42 PM JST

 

Photos of this event are available in the Japan Photo Album!!

 

Well, Erik has struck again, this time in front of all of his students and several of his co-teachers.

 

Thursday, September 27 marked the beginning of Ritto High School's annual Culture Festival, one of the most anticipated and spectacular events of the year.  Literally every student participates in this amazing festival, which includes theatre performances (West Side Story this year), singing, dancing, lots of food, and incredible visual arts ranging from painting to drawing to sculpture.  Erik was quoted as saying "Wow," as he walked through the art exhibits and saw the thrilling performances.

 

One of the more traditional art forms exhibited at the festival was the Japanese Tea Ceremony.  According to a high-level source who insisted on remaining anonymous, Erik received a special invitation to attend the ceremony.  The source also indicated that the ceremony was to be given by the school's Tea Ceremony Club, where students learn the art of preparing and serving green tea the traditional, time-honored Japanese way.

 

Erik was reportedly thrilled at the opportunity to attend another tea ceremony.  He arrived in the room where the ceremony was to be held, and managed to remove his shoes before stepping on the tatami.  "At least he got that part right," the anonymous source said.

 

Moments after his arrival, there was a chorus of voices shouting down the hallway, "Erik-sensei!!  Erik-sensei!!" indicating that Erik was about to take part in the tea ceremony.  The room was soon filled with students and teachers, eager to see how Erik liked the tea and how well he sat seza-style, which is kneeling onto his feet.

 

According to our source, Erik started off just fine.  He received the traditional Japanese sweet (beautifully shaped and colored like a tiny peach) and began to nibble away, carefully watching the student next to him who was also participating in the ceremony.

 

Then, Erik was served the green tea in the traditional bowl.  He received it properly, turned it three times in his hand, and then sipped.  So far, so good.

 

Erik reportedly then went to finish the Japanese sweet, the tiny peach.  He reached his little chopstick up to his mouth... and, suddenly, he dropped the whole thing on the floor.  "Whoops," he reportedly said.

 

Hysterical laughter erupted around him.  In a "pathetic" attempt to save face, our source says, Erik started whistling, as though to say "nothing happened."  Laughter continued.

 

And, surprisingly, Erik still wasn't finished screwing things up.  After this debacle, he was invited to actually prepare some green tea in the traditional way.  He was given patient and careful instructions by the tea ceremony-sensei, who told him to put two scoops of green powder in a bowl, followed by a highly ritualized pouring of hot water into that bowl.  He mixed the tea, and then was invited to serve it to a poor, unsuspecting student.

 

Erik managed to present the tea properly: turning the bowl three times, giving it to the student, bowing, and stepping back.  Our source, however, says that the student literally "coughed" and cried out for her "Sensei!!!  AHH!  COUGH!!" as she choked down the "tea."  Erik had apparently not put in nearly enough water, which made the tea ridiculously bitter.  All Erik could say was "Sumimasen," which, roughly translated means "I suck."

 

According to documents recently uncovered by ENN, Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi has already begun the paperwork necessary to deport Erik, in light of the fact that TWO tea ceremonies have now been destroyed because of Erik's cultural insensitivity.  Stay with ENN, as always, for more information as it becomes available.

 

Click here for a related story from the first time Erik screwed up a tea ceremony.  Unbelievable.

 

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Dirty Erik as Shower Malfunctions;

Erik Now Almost Clean as Shower Repaired

September 20, 2001; Web Posted at 4:47 PM JST

Updated on September 24, 2001

On Tuesday, September 18, Erik woke up.  He thought it would be a great day, just like any other day, and he hopped into the shower.  What happened when he got into the shower, however, was very unlike any other day…

“I couldn’t believe it,” Erik said at a huge press conference held at the American Embassy in Tokyo.  “I mean, I can deal with the earthquakes.  I can deal with two typhoons in three weeks.  I can even deal with eating seaweed everyday, for crying out loud – but when they go after my shower, that’s when I have a problem.” The crowd erupted into a chorus of questions, but Erik just left the podium.  He was spotted later that evening, apparently trying to use his kitchen sink as a shower.

According to documents recently uncovered by ENN, Erik’s shower hot water system is malfunctioning.  When he turns on only the hot water, the water heater works, producing scalding hot water.  But when Erik tries to mix in some cold water, the hot water system peters out altogether, and Erik is left with freezing cold water.  In other words, it seems he has two choices – burning himself, or freezing himself.

There have been unconfirmed reports on other, less reputable news agencies suggesting that Erik has discussed this issue with his supervisor and his landowner.

ENN has independently confirmed these reports and received word late on September 23 that the shower system was repaired.

"Well, they told me they'd be there at 4:30... but they didn't show up until 7:30.  I think my odor scared them off," Erik was quoted as saying by the Reuters news service.  "I'm just glad I can finally take my bi-weekly shower again."

When asked to comment on what Erik's newfound cleanliness  could mean for their classes, students at Ritto High School were quoted as saying, “I’m fine, sank you and you?”  Another student reportedly said, “Herrow.”

Please stay with ENN as we continue to monitor this developing story and its repercussions at Ritto High School.

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Erik's Mobile Phone Plays Boyz II Men

September 24, 2001; Web Posted at 8:15 PM JST

 

Erik went in to work last Friday and thought it would be a normal, great day.  He taught some classes, ate the school lunch, and even helped a teacher use the computer to make a new flyer.  Nothing could possibly have prepared him for the sheer ecstasy he would feel near the end of the day.

 

Matsura-sensei, one of Erik's co-teachers, called Erik over to her desk at about 3:15pm that day.  "Erik," she said, "I have something to show you that I think you will like."  Suddenly, this woman had Erik's complete attention.

 

Erik went to her desk, where Matsura-sensei proceeded to whip out her mobile phone, or as they like to call them here, her kaytie.  "Look at this," she said, and proceeded to make the phone play a beautiful instrumental rendition of Boyz II Men's classic, "End of the Road."

 

Erik's jaw reportedly dropped to the floor.  "Wow!" he said, according to eyewitness reports.  "Hey, I have the same kaytie service as you... can you make my phone do that?"

 

Matsura-sensei was happy to oblige, showing Erik how to download not only "End of the Road," but four other Boyz II Men songs as well, including "Please Don't Go," "On Bended Knee," and "Water Runs Dry."  So now, Erik's kaytie can allegedly take digital photos, send emails, and also play Boyz II Men (and, less importantly, Mozart).

 

According to sources in Japan, Erik has been calling his own kaytie on a regular basis just to hear the Boyz II Men songs play.  When asked to comment, Erik said simply, "No comment," and sheepishly turned away.

 

Stay tuned to ENN for more updates on this story, as Erik downloads even more songs.

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Erik Avoids Baldness, Gets a Haircut

September 19, 2001; Web Posted at 3:16 PM JST

On Monday, September 17, Erik had finally had enough.  He couldn’t stand brushing the hair away from his eyes anymore.  He decided, according to sources placed close to him, to get a haircut.  Indeed, this had been the third time Erik had decided to get a haircut, but he had yet to seal the deal.  Why the hesitation?

This was, after all, no small endeavor.  In a press release dated September 16, 2001, Erik details the source of his trepidation.  “I have trouble getting past the story taught to me by Zac Eskau, when we were stuck on the island of Cyprus back in 2000,” Erik writes.  “Zac went for a haircut, and the next thing he knew: baldness.”  The statement goes on to discuss the problems inherent in giving directions to a barber who doesn’t speak your language.

So, for nearly two months, Erik went without a haircut.  But on Monday, the 17^th, all that changed.  Erik “armed himself with vocabulary,” according to one source, and visited the Lake Palette hair salon in Kusatsu.  According to our investigative reporter on the scene in Kusatsu, Erik met with a very accommodating hair stylist, said a few words in Japanese, picked a picture in a magazine – and the scissors started flying.

At the end of the haircut, which did not leave Erik bald, the hairstylist gave Erik both a head massage and a neck massage (but that was all, unfortunately).  All this for what Erik called the “surprisingly cheap” price of 3500 yen, or about $35.00.  “You know you’re fully assimilated into Japanese culture when $35.00 for a haircut seems cheap,” Erik was reported to have said.

As always, stay with ENN for more updates on Erik’s hair as they become available.

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Erik Writing Textbooks, Sources Say

September 20, 2001; Web Posted at 2:07 PM JST

According to reports just confirmed by ENN, Erik was recruited on Thursday, September 13, to help the English teachers at Ritto High School write a textbook.  Erik’s personal secretary, Ms. Ruth Vargo, released a statement indicating that Erik was “stunned and thrilled” by the news that he would be writing a Japanese textbook for learning the English language.

The press release also indicated that Erik had “no fricking idea” how to write in Japanese, and, therefore, his role in the authoring process would likely be “viciously limited” to writing English passages in the book.  "My creativity will not be fully tapped," the statement said.

On the issue of whether Boyz II Men would appear in the book, Ms. Vargo’s statement was rather vague.  “Discussions have begun regarding the Boyz II Men issue, but no decisions have been made,” it said, with no elaboration.

In a related story, Erik was seen sifting through the garbage for some old English newspapers for ideas on what to write in the textbook.  Evidently, Erik must write some short English passages for the book, but he seems strapped for ideas.

Ms. Vargo’s press release gave an address where story idea submissions can be made: erik@eriklove.com.  Her press release also said, in fine print, “Help me.  I’m sick of doing everything for this loser.”  When asked about that statement, Erik reportedly said, “Get back in the kitchen, woman!  Excuse me.”

Stay with ENN for more updates on the new textbooks as they become available.

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Fresh Rice Does Taste Better, Erik Exclaims

September 17, 2001; Web Posted at 9:39 PM JST

 

On Saturday, September 15, Erik went back to Hikone, the sister city of Ann Arbor, Michigan.  He met up with some American friends, who were, according to one source close to Erik, also members of the JET program.  Later in the evening, he traveled by car to a house in Hikone, where some Japanese friends had made an amazing "rice pilaf" dinner, according to wire reports.  The partiers then allegedly danced all night, listening to American pop music including Prince, Madonna, Boyz II Men, and even Destiny's Child.

 

When asked about the meal at a press conference in Ritto on Sunday evening, Erik continually referred to the "amazing" fresh rice and the "outstanding" hospitality and culinary skills of his hosts.  "The evening was great.  Aside from reminding myself that I have no alcohol tolerance whatsoever, the time was fun.  No questions!"  At that, the press conference was over, but many questions remained.

 

Additional reports indicate that something untoward may have happened on the evening prior to the Pilaf Party, but details are still sketchy at this time.  Another source close to Erik, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that Erik "really, really, is a 'cheap date.'  That's all I'm prepared to say."  When bribed, the source told a story that we at ENN are unprepared to publish until it can be confirmed -- it's simply too hilarious.  Stay tuned to ENN, as always, as we attempt to gather more details about the weekend of September 14, 15, and 16.

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News of Tragedy Stuns Japan and Erik

September 15, 2001; Web Posted at 9:16 PM JST

For more on this story, visit Erik's special report.  Click here.

Well, this one isn't easy to write.  I actually heard the news on what was Tuesday night in Japan at about 10PM, or roughly 9AM Eastern Time.  An automated email came in on my mobile phone, stating simply that "Plane crashes into World Trade Center in NYC, television reports."  I said, "What?!"  Moments later, the baseball game on television switched to a live picture of the WTC, which we all remember watching with horror.  My first thoughts were for my father, who might have been flying in or around New York.  Thankfully, my mom called just minutes later, putting some of my fears to rest.

 

That night, I didn't sleep, but was glued to the TV, which broadcast ABC news all night.  I briefly considered not going to work the next morning (Wednesday), but decided that not living my life as I normally would have would mean that I was letting those barbaric terrorists win in some small way.  So, instead, I went to work.

 

My Japanese coworkers had all heard of the tragedy, of course, and a teacher came up to me immediately and in broken English asked, "Your family?  OK?"  This is when the news really began to sink in for me, when everyone looked at me differently and saw me as a representative of the people who were so hurt, so changed by this event.  That made it really real for the first time, and not just something I saw on television...  I then got lots of "Good mornings" from people who never had even looked at me before.  It was a strange day, that Wednesday.  Still most teachers were very supportive and understanding, and one even sympathized by saying, "Erik-san, you must be a nervous wreck."

 

The most difficult part of the day, though, by far, was when I noticed some of my students -- high school students -- making jokes about the tragedy.  They were laughing, some shouted "War" at me, and a few even mocked falling out of a building, screaming and laughing.  I was very angry and upset, but I managed to keep my cool and just walk away... thinking that everyone deals with tragedy differently, and that these students simply don't understand the seriousness of this situation.

 

Since that first day, I have continuously heard the teachers in my school talking about the event.  I overhear them saying "America" and "White House" and "Bush" all the time.  The newspapers here are full of nothing but photos and large headlines of New York, Bush, and Bin Laden.

 

Still, I think I am very, very lucky to be outside the US at a time like this.  The impact of the news is of course daunting, but if I wanted to, I could almost completely ignore the news.  Just like everyone, though, I can't escape the horrific human suffering caused by this event, and I'm afraid, angry, and sad all at the same time.

 

Life is slowly returning to normal, but there's no question that this event will mean that when I return to the States, it will be a different place.

 

Please keep the victims and their families in your thoughts...  And come back to ENN for much less depressing news stories in the very near future.

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Teacher Converted in Boyz II Men Crusade

September 10, 2001; Web Posted at 8:26 PM JST

On Monday, September 10, Erik took a great leap ahead in his mission to create as many new Boyz II Men fans in Japan as possible.  According to sources at Ritto High School, Erik played Boyz II Men’s version of the Beatles’ classic, “Yesterday,” in class.  Allegedly, the students were to listen to the song with a worksheet that had the song’s lyrics printed on it with some words left blank for the students to fill in as they listened.  

The surprising part of the exercise, though, involved Erik’s co-teacher, Higashino-sensei.  In a later interview with Stone Phillips on NBC’s Dateline program, Erik revealed that Higashino-sensei was “just gushing.”  Higashino so loved the song that he exclaimed that he was “very, very, very impressed” with Boyz II Men’s harmonies and arrangement.  The most astounding revelation came when Higashino-sensei began talking with other Japanese teachers of English about how much he loved the song and how he has “much respect” for Boyz II Men.  Erik described the developments in his mission to bring Boyz II Men to Japan as “Outstanding.”  

In a late-breaking development, ENN has learned that Higashino-sensei has suggested to some teachers at Ritto High School that for next year’s Culture Festival, there should be a performance of a Boyz II Men song done by a group of teachers.  There was no comment from the Music Department, but they could neither “confirm nor deny that any discussions with Higashino-sensei” have taken place.  As always, stay with ENN for more information as it becomes available.

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Another Typhoon Slams into Erik

September 10, 2001; Web Posted at 8:26 PM JST

Updated September 17, 2001

Erik is taken to work by his supervisor on September 10

Yet another typhoon hit Erik and the Japanese mainland on September 11, the second typhoon in three weeks.  The typhoon, called simply "Typhoon 16," caused massive rains and heavy winds throughout the main Japanese island of Honshu.  Erik was quoted as saying "I can't do my laundry.  This sucks."  Two other tropical disturbances were also near Japan, although they were not heading for Erik.  "Good," Erik reportedly said.

Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi issued a statement on Monday, September 10, blaming Erik for the recent string of natural disasters.  “If that little #%$!er hadn’t come to Japan, we wouldn’t be having these problems,” the Prime Minister said, through a translator.  “First the typhoon, then the earthquake, and now ANOTHER typhoon.”  Koziumi stopped short of holding Erik financially responsible for the typhoons, but he did leave the door open for a possible lawsuit.

Erik, for his part, blamed the Japanese government for the onslaught of natural disasters.  He again issued a statement calling on the US to impose diplomatic sanctions on Japan for their recent “escalation of tensions” in the region.  Washington did start to show signs of movement on the issue when it refused to send Secretary of State Colin Powell to the UN Conference on Weather in Durban, South Africa earlier this week.  Powell explained that the “extreme and radical” Asian meteorologists were trying to “hijack” the conference by singling out the actions of just one nation, namely, Canada.  In a statement, Powell said, “Yes, it’s true that the Canadians have nearly complete control of the Arctic Bank, but that doesn’t mean that the Asian radicals can blame the Canadians for their misery.  We call on both sides to take immediate steps to calm the violence, but the UN Weather Conference is not the appropriate venue for this discussion.”

As always, stay tuned to ENN for the latest weather updates, as well as updates on the continuing row between Erik and the Japanese government.

Click here for the first typhoon story

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Erik Screws Up Tea Ceremony

September 8, 2001; Web Posted at 8:26 PM JST

Photos published in the Japan Photo Album!

On Saturday, September 8, Erik was invited to attend a tea ceremony at the historic Hikone Castle in Hikone, Shiga Prefecture.  Hikone Castle is one of the most prominent and beautiful castles in all of Japan, and the gardens that surround it made for a perfect setting for a tea ceremony.

Erik made plans to attend the ceremony with one of his fellow teachers at Ritto High School, Kato-sensei.  Kato-sensei was a server at the ceremony, but she had never attended this annual event at Hikone Castle before.

Before going to Hikone Castle, Erik was under the assumption that this tea ceremony would be a very traditional affair, which would have required him to sit seza-style (kneeling on his ankles) for an hour or more.  At a press conference held later that evening in Kyoto, Erik said that the idea of kneeling on his ankles for an hour “scared the #%&$ out of [him].”  Fortunately, the event turned out not to be traditional.  

The ceremony was held in the gardens of the castle, outdoors, so there were benches for the participants to sit upon – non-seza style.  It was something of a mass ceremony, with dozens of people in attendance.  Erik was the only foreigner in sight.  Certainly, he wouldn’t want to screw up and do something obviously uncultured.  But that’s exactly what he did.  

Erik was unsure of how to purchase a ticket for the tea and traditional dessert.  According to eyewitness reports, Erik “stumbled” his way through the garden to a ticket counter, and clumsily asked in Japanese for one ticket.  He managed to purchase one, but underpaid by several hundred yen, since he had trouble understanding what “nana-hyaku-en” meant (seven hundred yen, not four hundred).  After that fiasco, eyewitnesses describe Erik’s rude and disruptive intrusion into the tent where the tea and desserts were being produced by women in beautiful kimonos.  Apparently, Erik was attempting to give his ticket to one of the women, even though that was unnecessary.  

At the press conference in Kyoto later that evening, Erik described his embarrassment as he invaded the secret tent.  “I felt like a complete foreigner.  And, you know, somehow, these people can tell that I’m not from Japan.  It’s amazing.”  When asked how he eventually managed to enjoy the beautiful ceremony in the picturesque gardens after making such a spectacle, Erik could only say, “I don’t know.  I just don’t know.”  

After making a fool of himself, Erik reported that he met Kato-sensei’s family, including her sister, her brother-in-law, and their son, as well as Kato-sensei’s mother, whom Erik addressed as Kato-san.  “They were a delightful family, and very friendly to me, despite the fact that I ruined the entire ceremony,” Erik said, sniffling.  “They even invited me to dinner at their house sometime, so I can screw that up, too.”  After making this statement, Erik abruptly ended the press conference and went storming off into downtown Kyoto where he reportedly met a friend from Osaka and danced his troubles away.

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Erik Begins Teaching New Generation of Boyz II Men Fans

September 3, 2001; Web Posted at 7:55 PM JST

As we reported earlier, Erik began his teaching career at Ritto High School in Japan with a speech to the entire school on September 1.  In his speech, Erik highlighted his goal of "creating as many new Boyz II Men fans as possible" while in Japan.  His speech was very well received, and he held a brief greeting reception afterwards, delighting students with calls of "Good morning!" and "Nice to meet you!"

 

Two days later, on September 3, Erik held his first class.  According to sources in the Board of Education, the lesson consisted primarily of Erik introducing himself and his teaching style to his fans/students.  In order to do so, Erik allegedly prepared a box by wrapping it in several layers of newspaper, and placing a question between each layer.  The questions included "Where are you from," "How old are you," and so on.  In a game of Hot Potato, the students tossed the box around the room to some music, and when the music stopped, one lucky student had the chance to read the question on the package aloud for Erik to answer.

 

During the game, Erik reportedly revealed that his favorite music is Boyz II Men.  Unfortunately, but as expected, none of the students had heard of Boyz II Men.  Erik naturally put some Boyz II Men on, and used it as the Hot Potato music.  Dozens of new fans heard "Motownphilly" and "End of the Road'" for the first time, and Erik began his new mission.  He told ABC's Barbara Walters in a later interview that this moment was "magical" for him.

 

Also, in a huge coincidence, one of Erik's co-teachers, Matsura-sensei, revealed that her favorite music is also Boyz II Men.  She was quickly recruited to help Erik with his mission to bring Boyz II Men to the youth of Japan.

 

As always, stay tuned to ENN for the latest Erik Boyz II Men Crusade updates.

 

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