Japan Aghast, Halloween Party Features Erik in a Skirt

October 31, 2001; Web Posted at 10:22 PM JST

 

Photo published in the Japan Photo Album!

 

ENN has learned that Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi has taken Japan to its highest state of alert after receiving reports from "credible sources" that Erik was parading around in a skirt to celebrate his "culture" on Halloween.

 

According to internal documents uncovered by ENN, there is an annual Halloween Party in Shiga Prefecture (where Erik lives) held by the JET language teachers.  This party has traditionally been apparently somewhat raucous in the past, but eyewitnesses report that "nothing could have prepared us for what we saw."

 

Our reports show that shortly after arriving at the party, Erik began his duties as the DJ, by playing songs by popular groups such as Boyz II Men.  At first, our anonymous eyewitness says, "I didn't recognize Erik.  He had this huge blond hair which seemed to stick out in all directions."  That was only the beginning, however.

 

Only after he stepped out from behind the DJ table did the full scope of the calamity become apparent.  Visibly upset, and holding back tears, our eyewitness said, "And then, I saw his legs.  A LOT of his legs... he was wearing a skirt!!  I can't, I just can't.  Stop taping!"  According to photographs obtained by ENN, Erik proceeded to dance the night away in his skirt.

 

The skirt was part of a Japanese schoolgirl costume complete with fashionable white, fluffy socks, a uniform vest and jacket.  This amazingly accurate costume was prepared for Erik by accomplices among the teaching staff at Ritto High School.  When asked how he felt about Japanese public schoolteachers helping Erik in this unorthodox mission, Prime Minister Koizumi said only: "Wow."

 

Several times throughout the evening, Erik lifted his skirt to reveal very skimpy boxer shorts and very hairy legs.  When asked about this behavior, Koizumi would only say that "We're going to smoke this guy out of his cave and deport him."

 

Reports suggest that Erik at least did not wear his Japanese schoolgirl outfit outside of the party.  Still, the damage certainly was done.

 

Stay with ENN for continuing updates on this developing and frightening story.  And check the Japan Photo Album for photographic evidence!

Erik Declares "New War" on Cockroaches

October 22, 2001; Web Posted at 11:13 PM JST

 

Erik was enjoying a peaceful night at home, he says, when suddenly, "Everything changed."  At an emotional press conference held at Ritto City Hall, Erik retold the harrowing story of when he discovered his first Japanese cockroach.  "I, uh, I was on the couch watching Indiana Jones," he said, visibly shaken.  "I remember thinking how disgusting the bugs in that movie seemed.  Then, uh...  Then, there it was!  Oh, my god."  Unable to continue, Erik ran from the podium and into a secure bunker beneath the City Hall.  Later, it was revealed that while watching the Indiana Jones film, Erik spotted a cockroach, scurrying across the floor in a "disgusting and evil" way.

 

According to a press release given to ENN on Monday morning, Erik has given the cockroaches until midnight tonight to vacate his apartment, or "face the consequences."  Our investigative reporter in Ritto has learned that Erik recently purchased an entire package of cockroach traps, complete with bait and sticky stuff, designed to trap the "fricking huge" insects.

 

When asked what specific steps he would take against the cockroaches, Erik stated that "I have authorized my staff to take whatever actions are necessary.  This is a new, 21st century conflict.  We need to remain steadfast, and we need to be patient.  That's all I can say about our plans, for the safety of the people involved."  When pressed for more details, Erik would only say "I cannot tell you anything more, but we will win this war.  I'm going to smoke the roaches out of their caves and bring them to justice.  No matter how long it takes."

 

Immediately after saying that, Erik was seen screaming like a girl at seeing a new cockroach, and then he reportedly ran out of the apartment.

 

Speculation has emerged that Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi -- who has accused Erik of unleashing a series of typhoons on Japan since August -- might be behind the cockroach attack.  On that issue, Erik would only say that "Although we have no firm evidence linking Koizumi with the roaches, I wouldn't put it past him."  Koizumi, for his part, issued a statement on Japanese television denying any involvement with the roach attack.

 

As always, stay with ENN as we keep you up-to-date on the latest developments in Erik's New War.

 

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"Nice Butt," They Say, As Erik Climbs for Hours

Holy Mother of God, Erik Climbs a Mountain.  An ENN Special Report.

October 15, 2001; Web Posted at 8:48 PM JST

 

After camping out and waking at the crack of dawn on October 14, Erik, Josh, Koji, and Kumiko reportedly set out for the highest peak in the Hira Range.  "What the hell am I doing?!" Erik was quoted as saying.

 

The climb began, on the warm sunny day, at about 10AM.  It wouldn't be over until well after 5PM that evening.  According to mountain rangers, Erik was wearing his Doc Martin dress shoes, some khakis, and a button-down shirt.  When questioned about his attire by a throng of reporters camped out near the mountain's summit, Erik said simply "No comment, no comment.  I always look this good, baby."  No one laughed.

 

Our helicopter footage showed Erik climbing at first along a paved, gently sloping path, with a bubbling river flowing alongside.  Soon, however, the four found themselves on all fours, scaling nearly 90-degree, rocky cliffs.  Then, the group had to walk down the side of one mountain only to climb up yet another, higher one.  "This is #%&*!ng crazy," Erik was quoted as saying.  He later clarified, saying, "The climb was very challenging.  I knew this because I saw about 200 Japanese persons over the age of 60 along the way.  They weren't sweating or anything, but I could tell they were having a tough time."

 

After climbing for roughly one hour, Erik reportedly checked out his own butt.  "Wow," he said.  "It's like a rock!"  Erik claimed that he was complimented several times on the new quality of his butt after the grueling climb.  No independent confirmation of this report has been made.

 

The group finally reached the peak at about 3:30PM, and many pictures ensued.  (Watch for Japan Photo Album updates!)  When accosted by our reporters at the summit, Erik would only say, "I can't move."  Meanwhile, old people at the summit were enjoying a short respite before running back down the mountain.  Erik said, "So?  They have wrinkles.  Have you seen my new butt?"

 

Stay with ENN as we watch Erik's dramatic climb back down the mountain in our Special Report.

 

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"Oh my gentle Jesus" Among Expletives

as Erik Rides Skychair

Holy Mother of God, Erik Climbs a Mountain.  An ENN Special Report.

October 15, 2001; Web Posted at 8:48 PM JST

After climbing for a "staggering" three hours, Erik and Josh convinced their Japanese hosts to take the Ropeway from a point near the peak down to the base of the mountain.  Koji and Kumiko agreed, but gave few details about the Ropeway.  The four left the summit, and began the incredibly challenging task of walking down the mountain to the Ropeway station, some 10 minutes below.

Upon reaching the station, Erik decided to quench his ridiculously exhausted body (which had a "new" butt, he emphasized) at a Japanese "Blends In With Nature" Vending Machine.  Erik enjoyed his Coca Cola immensely.

Then, the four waited in line for a ride on the Ropeway.  Josh and Erik were a bit apprehensive about what kind of Ropeway this would be.  Would it be like a ski lift?  Would it be a nice, cozy bus on a strong cable?  Or something much worse?  Finally, Erik and Josh caught a glimpse of a tiny cable car, which supposedly fit some 30 people.  Sure enough, before long the four were crowded into the tiny car, which rode along a single cable over the deep, forested mountainside way down below.  Josh reportedly made a comment about wanting to grab a "coathanger, and then just zipline down this thing!!"  Erik said that he would never do "anything like that."  He was wrong.

After reaching the end of the tiny car's route, the four got in line for a second branch of the Ropeway.  Erik and Josh looked around the corner, expecting to see another tiny cable car...

BUT INSTEAD: they saw the infamous Japanese "Skychair."  These chairs were literally that, chairs, hooked up to a cable which zipped people, one at a time, down the mountainside.  The chairs had no safety harnesses.  No seatbelts.  Only a bar mounted on the SIDE, for the rider to hold on to.

"Oh my gentle Jesus," Erik was quoted as uttering, among many other expletives that Yahoo! won't allow on this site.  The Skychairs had a rusty, rickedy "safety net" below the track, but Erik said "There's no way in hell that thing would stop my new rock-hard butt."

So, after going to the bathroom, Erik and Josh climbed onto their respective Skychairs and went for broke.  After being paralyzed for several minutes, Erik eventually whipped out his camera, and took some amazing photos.  (Watch the Japan Photo Album for updates!)

Erik and Josh said many times to their Japanese compatriots that the Skychairs were the "scariest, craziest thing" they've ever done.  Their friends were unimpressed, saying that they've done it 50 times since they were 6 years old or so.  "Oh, yeah?!" Erik was quoted as saying, "Well, you don't have a new butt like this, though, do ya?"  Again, no laughs.

Stay with ENN and the eriklove.com Japan Photo Album for more updates on this developing story as they become available.  Wow.

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Reports: Erik Hiding Out in Wilderness

Holy Mother of God, Erik Climbs a Mountain.  An ENN Special Report.

October 15, 2001; Web Posted at 8:48 PM JST

 

According to CIA satellite photos obtained by ENN, Erik took to the woods on October 13 to hide from Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, who still accuses Erik of unleashing a string of three typhoons on Japan since August.  Our investigative reporter on the scene in Japan indicates that Erik "packed up and left" his Ritto apartment on Saturday afternoon, apparently with another American friend from Osaka, who we'll call "Josh."  The two boarded a train and went "to the middle of absolutely nowhere," according to our reporter.

 

Once there, the pair evidently met up with two Japanese friends, who will be called Koji and Kumiko to protect the innocent.  These two then helped Erik and Josh to buy lots of Japanese camping foods, including noodles, cabbage, and some kind of Korean spicy stuff.  Erik was baffled.

 

Then, the four set off in cars to an undisclosed location near the Hira Mountain Range in northern Shiga Prefecture.  Satellite photos showed three tents, several "coolers," and a few "camping ovens," which are small kerosene burners presumably used for cooking the cabbage and Korean stuff.

 

The Prime Minister's Office said only that he would "smoke Erik out of his tents" as soon as he figured out where he was.  "I said there would be no negotiations, and I meant it."

 

Erik's Catalina Island office had no report, and Erik was unavailable for comment at press time.  Stay with ENN's Special Coverage as Erik's mountain adventure continues...

 

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Erik Busts Ritto High School Organized Cheating Ring

October 18, 2001; Web Posted at 2:13 PM JST

 

According to a statement released by the Love office on Catalina Island, California, Erik has succeeded in exposing an organized cheating ring at Ritto High School, where he is currently employed as an English teacher.

 

The statement, authored by Erik's personal secretary, Ms. Ruth Vargo, said that Erik "caught them with their uniforms down."  Apparently, Erik was correcting some essays when he noticed something was amiss.

 

In an interview on CNN's Talkback Live, Erik retold the story.  "I was going though the essays, which were supposed to be written on some aspect of Japanese culture," he said.  "I was correcting the essays when I noticed that one of them had better English than my own.  It was using big words like 'venerate' and 'although.'  Clearly, it wasn't written by a first-year high school student."

 

But, evidently, that was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  The press statement indicates that Erik then noticed "five or six" papers with nearly identical essays.  As Ms. Vargo states, "That's when Erik truly made history."

 

Erik immediately consulted with co-teacher Murakami-sensei, and they both decided to immediately give the students "big fat" zeros for their grades, and then possibly give them another chance to write the essay -- without cheating this time.

 

According to the press release, Erik has been awarded Ritto's "Citizen of the Year" award, although ENN cannot independently confirm this report.

 

Stay with ENN for the latest developments in the crime busting operation as they happen.

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Erik's Life Changes Forever: Boyz II Men in Japan Videos

October 12, 2001; Web Posted at 8:24 PM JST

 

Documents obtained by ENN indicate that Erik's life has changed forever.  He has watched two videos chock full of Boyz II Men footage, recorded by fellow teacher Matsuura-sensei of Ritto High School.  Sources close to the investigation say that the tapes contain live performances and interviews of Boyz II Men from Japanese television throughout the 1990's, including an "incredible" full-length concert.

 

Erik's office on Catalina Island in California has yet to release a statement, and no press conference in Japan has been held as of press time.  In fact, our reporters in Ritto say that Erik has "just not left the couch" since obtaining the tapes.  Speculation is that Erik has been watching the tapes over and over and over again.

 

When asked by reporters whether Erik would engage in illegal copying of these phenomenal tapes, Matsuura-sensei would only say "I hope Erik enjoys them."

 

Stay with ENN for further updates as they happen, assuming Erik leaves his TV sometime before the end of the year.

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Japanese Sports Holiday, Erik Loses Tug-of-War

October 8, 2001; Web Posted at 3:25 PM JST

 

Photos published in Japan Photo Album!

According to our investigative reporter in Ritto, Erik attended a Sports Festival in his town of Ritto on Sunday, October 7 at the “ungodly” hour of 7:30am .  Reports suggest that Erik stumbled out of the futon and then rode his bicycle to Ritto High School , where he was greeted by someone he calls his “Japanese mother,” Shemada-san, the school’s secretary.  Much to Erik’s surprise, the sports festival he was attending was not at Ritto High School , but at a faraway park.  The two began riding their bicycles and they stopped some 16 hours later, according to a press release from Erik’s office on Catalina Island in California .  This 16 hour figure cannot be confirmed by independent reports.

In any event, Erik then evidently realized that this sports festival, which was taking place on the Japanese national “Sports and Health Holiday” weekend, would not be attended by his fellow teachers or students from Ritto High School.  Instead, this festival was composed of complete strangers, and Erik was the only foreigner in sight.  According to Erik’s press release, he felt “strangely exhilarated, but not sexually invigorated in any way, of course.”

Then, after the opening ceremony of the event where Erik participated in the traditional Japanese group stretching exercises (at which, eyewitnesses say, he “sucked”), Erik then was invited to take part in the Tug-of-War, the first event of the day.  The two teams lined up, and the starting gun (yes, they had a starting gun), was fired.  Milliseconds later, Erik was humiliated as he and his team were pulled across the field.

The festival continued, with Erik participating in a relay race and a basketball competition.  Erik was thought to the his team's basketball "silver bullet," because of his towering 6 feet height.  Unfortunately, Erik's teammates neglected to realize that white men can't jump, and they soundly lost the basketball game.

In a late-breaking development, apparently Erik's "Japanese mother" spoke to his actual mother on Erik's mobile telephone, according to sources at the Pentagon.  The two engaged in what was described as a "short and cordial conversation," including "How do you do?" and the Japanese equivalent, "Hajimemashite."

Stay with ENN as Erik continues to help his teams lose at all types of sporting events.

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New Volleyball Team Formed, Starring Erik

October 4, 2001; Web Posted at 12:31 PM JST

 

On Monday, October 1, Erik began practice with a new volleyball team at the Ritto High School Gym.  According to wire reports, the team was composed of several teachers, including Erik.  The practice session took place with the help of the Ritto High School Girl's Volleyball Team, which is also known as the Japanese Olympic Volleyball Team.

 

The practice lasted for a grueling 2 and a half hours, during which time, according to eyewitnesses, the Girl's Volleyball Team "humiliated" the teacher's team.

 

One teacher's report, however, conflicted with this eyewitness.  "We weren't humiliated," he said, asking to remain anonymous.  "It's just that I can't speak Japanese, that's all.  So, I slowed the team down a bit.  Big deal."  This teacher, who -- again -- will remain anonymous, then proceeded to brush his blond hair, and insisted that everyone refer to him as "Dr. Love."  He then attempted to bribe the match's referee, offering her "nana-hyaku yen," to no avail.

 

In any event, the teachers did not win the practice game, but sources say that the real match will take place on Thursday afternoon, October 4.  On this day, the Ritto High School teachers will take on the teachers from another Ritto-area high school.  

 

Stay with ENN Sports for the latest scoring updates as they happen.

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