November 2001

 

November 2001

 

November 29: Reports: Erik to Visit Kindergarten As Santa Claus
November 22: Erik Reportedly Eats Thanksgiving Turkey with Chopsticks
November 19: Students Cringe as Erik Sings Silent Night
November 12: My Visit to Hiroshima
November 11: Erik Tries to Join Hiroshima Boys Choir
November 11: Shower Problems Again, Cockroaches Blamed

 

 

 

 

Reports: Erik to Visit Kindergarten as Santa Claus

November 29, 2001; Web Posted at 1:59 PM JST
 

--The Workshop, North Pole

 

sources indicate that Erik has been invited to help Santa by visiting a kindergarten in Ritto, Japan, while dressed as Santa Claus himself.  Erik has reportedly expressed "deep sorrow" for the children at this revelation.

 

When asked whether he would actually wear the Santa costume, or whether he would wear his schoolgirl Halloween costume, Erik would only say, "I won't even dignify that question with a response," fueling speculation that he in fact might wear the schoolgirl outfit.

 

In an interview with NBC's Stone Phillips for the news program Dateline Thursday, Erik indicated that he feared having "hundreds of cute little Japanese kids staring at me.  The poor things."

 

Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi could not be reached for immediate comment, but a source in the Prime Minister's office stated that the Japanese government was moving quickly to stop this "horrendous act" before it happens.

 

Stay with ENN as we stay on top of this story.  Watch the Japan Photo Album for possible photographic evidence as it becomes available!

 

Click for a related story on the conflict between Koizumi and Erik.
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Erik Eats Thanksgiving Turkey with Chopsticks

November 22, 2001; Web Posted at 1:42 PM JST
 

--RITTO, Japan

 

according to reports obtained by ENN late on Thursday, Erik apparently attended a Thanksgiving party recently, during which traditional American food was served, including "turkey and stuffing."  No independent confirmation of this food has been made, and details are still sketchy, but it is becoming clear that Erik defaced his American culture by eating this traditional meal with chopsticks.

 

When asked about the event on CNN's Larry King Live program, Erik would only say that he "loves turkey," and that he would "do whatever it takes" to eat turkey while in Japan, particularly during the Thanksgiving holiday.

 

When Larry continued to press the issue, Erik abruptly ended the interview, saying "Look, Larry, I love turkey.  I would love to be in Michigan with my family, but I have to eat turkey here in Japan.  They sometimes use chopsticks over here.  I can't believe you're making such an issue out of this, Larry.  See ya, man."  With that, Erik stormed off the program, fueling speculation that he actually did eat turkey with chopsticks.

 

Furthermore, unconfirmed reports suggest that Erik also ate stuffing, corn, and several types of desserts including pumpkin pie -- all with chopsticks.  Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi called the reports "breathtaking," and he renewed his pledge to have Erik deported "as soon as possible."

 

Stay with ENN for more updates on this breaking story as soon as they become available.  And, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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Students Cringe as Erik Sings Silent Night

November 19, 2001; Web Posted at 9:02 PM JST
 

--BETHLEHEM, West Bank

 

ENN has learned that Erik has been torturing the students at Ritto High School with his rendition of the Christmas classic, Silent Night.  According to eyewitness reports, dozens of students have been left scarred for life.

 

On ABC's Nightline with Ted Koppel, Erik answered these charges by saying that he was "just trying to help the kids learn some English, Ted."  He continued to say that a fellow teacher, Higashino-sensei, had become so "enamored" with Boyz II Men that he wanted to sing Silent Night with Erik, just like Boyz II Men do on their album Christmas Interpretations ($13.95, available now).  "So," Erik claimed, "Higashino-sensei insisted on rehearsing and then on performing this song to each of the six classes that we teach together.  What was I supposed to do, say 'no'?"

 

Evidently, the students were supposed to listen to the performance and fill in blanks on a worksheet with the song's lyrics.  But, ENN's investigative unit also learned that on more than one occasion, students burst into what can only be described as "hysterical laughter" at the sight of the two teachers singing Silent Night in the classroom.  Whether any students learned anything as a result of this tortuous lesson is a matter for much debate among the students at Ritto High School.

 

When asked about the Silent Night lesson, one student told ENN: "I'm fine, sank you, and you?"  Another said, "Good morning!"  And, stunningly, one student said, emotionally, "Bye bye!!"  The damage has clearly been done.

 

Stay with ENN as we bring you more updates to this horrifying story.

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Shower Problems Again, Cockroaches Blamed

November 12, 2001; Web Posted at 8:07 PM JST
 

--RITTO, Japan

 

ERIK'S OFFICE IN Tokyo released a statement today condemning the most recent attack by the cockroaches infesting Erik's Ritto apartment.  According to the press release, the shower is once again offering Erik only two choices: Burn the cahones, or freeze them.

 

"You see, it works like this," Erik explained in a press conference held at the American Consulate in Osaka, "I can turn on the hot water just fine, right?  And it gets nice and, uh... what's the word?  Yeah, hot.  (Thanks.)  Yeah, it gets real hot -- too hot.  So, then I go ahead and turn on the cold water a little bit to, you know, cool it off.  But then, the hot water stops altogether, and I'm left with a button on a fur coat, if you catch my meaning."  Most people in the crowd did not catch his meaning, but Erik abruptly ended the press conference, running from the podium and shouting, "What's that smell?  Oh, yeah -- me."

 

In the press release, Erik's chief of staff, Ian Douglass, blames the shower malfunctions on the continuing "aggression" of the cockroaches.  "Let me put it to you this way: if it wasn't them, then who was it?  I don't know, they just LOOK guilty."

 

Erik has an appointment with the gas company and his landowner tomorrow at 5PM, according to Ritto High School internal documents obtained by ENN.  In addition, Erik has taken undisclosed measures to further pressure the cockroaches to surrender their leader, whom Erik simply refers to as "The Evil One Who Hides in Shadows."

 

As always, stay with ENN for more on this developing story.  Click here for a related story from the last time Erik's shower pulled this stunt.  To donate to Erik's Shower Fund, contact erik@eriklove.com.

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My Visit to Hiroshima

November 11, 2001; Web Posted at 11:05 PM JST
 

--HIROSHIMA, Japan

 

Well, this one isn't easy to write.  I just had one of those unforgettable, life-changing experiences.  So, you get to listen to yet another tirade!  Indeed, the feelings I had at the "serious" parts of Hiroshima reminded me of how I felt in the West Bank, and even how I felt the day we started bombing Afghanistan.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  Here's my story:

 

I was invited to travel to Hiroshima by a new friend of mine, Kari Jo, who lives just a block away from me in Ritto.  We left Ritto early on Saturday and took the bullet train, which got us to Hiroshima just after 10:00 in the morning.  A full two days in the city were on the agenda...  

 

I got into Hiroshima after reading some of a book from an eyewitness to the event that defines this city, the atomic bombing on August 6, 1945.  So I'd just been introduced to the city, in a way.  Somehow, although I knew that Hiroshima is a thriving, modern city, I still expected it to be damaged in some way.  I guess I really anticipated a feeling of unease or sadness or maybe even some unwelcoming at my American-ness.

 

Nothing could have been further from the reality of Hiroshima.  The city is vibrant, just as crowded, and just as welcoming as any other major Japanese city.  Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was there, that this was the place that a nuclear bomb went off...  I got over it after about 5 minutes, and we found ourselves lost on the way to our hostel.  Yeah.  Another story.

 

We soon found ourselves at a family run, off-the-beaten-path restaurant for lunch, and then we managed to find and check in at our hostel.  Nice place, run by a woman who could talk for hours about -- well, about nothing really.  But she was nice enough.

 

The first day we spent on the beautiful island of Miyajima, famous for its monkeys and secondarily for a picturesque Buddhist gate which is just off the island in the water.  Watch the Japan Photo Album for updates...  The island was great, surprisingly beautiful, and very relaxing.

 

We finished the evening with a visit to Hiroshima's "A-Bomb Dome."  This memorial is the preserved ruins of what used to be an architectural marvel in 1945, but it was turned into a shell by the bombing.  Somehow, despite being a mere hundred meters or so from the hypocenter of the explosion, the frame of this building remained standing.  It still stands today as a reminder, and it was the first "serious" part of Hiroshima I saw.

 

The next morning we set off for the really serious stuff: the Hiroshima Peace Museum.  It was here that my feelings of guilt and immense sadness really started to overwhelm even my towering ego.  ;)

 

This museum shows, in remarkable detail, the damage done to the city and more strikingly to its people.  The image I had in my head of the bomb somehow instantly (and therefore kind of mercifully) killing everyone in the city was replaced with the fact that the bomb has been causing tremendous suffering for days, months, and years.  The explosion caused burns on people that are beyond description.  Many people survived, in agony, from the time of the bombing, 8:15am, until that evening.  Radiation sickness along with indescribable injuries claimed tens of thousands more in the days and months after the explosion.  The museum was filled with facts about the horror of the bomb (200,000 dead), poignant artifacts (a mangled wristwatch stopped at 8:15am), and it also showed Hiroshima's remarkable reconstruction.  The streetcars were running only 2 days after "that day," for example.

 

One young girl, Sukiko, who was 2 years old at the time of the explosion, survived with no apparent injuries.  She excelled in school, and was a track star.  Then, suddenly, at age 12 she was diagnosed with leukemia, caused by the radiation from the bomb.  In the hospital, she took to folding origami cranes, setting a goal of folding 1,000.  She was confident that if she made it to 1,000, she would definitely have lived long enough for a cure to be found.  She died after folding about 700... but people from all over the world have followed her example and folded so many cranes...  Some of them were on exhibit at her memorial and at the museum.  They are a symbol of the struggle for peace, the struggle to make tragic stories like Sukiko's old news.  I folded one (badly) and left it at the memorial...

 

The museum made me reflect on a lot of things, of course, but mostly on what we're doing right now in Afghanistan.  How many more stories like Sukiko's are we creating right now?  Why haven't we learned our lesson yet?

 

Hiroshima was always a historical fact in my head.  Now it's real for me, and I'm a little bit sadder.  A little bit less hopeful.  A little bit more determined to change how the American government deals with things.  And I'm a lot more grateful for my 22 years, and a lot more grateful for my friends and family, who (among other things) listen to my rants and raves.  Thank you.

 

 

 

For more on this story, watch both the Japan Photo Album and also my Academia page, where I'll put more of my thoughts sometime soon, along with links to more information.

 

And, as always, stay tuned to ENN for far less serious Erik news in the future.

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Erik Tries to Join Hiroshima Boys Choir

November 11, 2001; Web Posted at 7:52 PM JST
 

--HIROSHIMA, Japan

 

AFTER THE emotionally draining day in Hiroshima, Erik reportedly decided to take in a concert put on by the Hiroshima Boys Choir.  This seems normal enough, but what happened after the curtain rose rendered the entire audience dumbfounded.

 

According to our Hiroshima correspondent, the event started with Erik and Kari Jo trying to decipher what they thought was the program for that afternoon's concert.  They spent several minutes deciphering the Japanese characters on the sheet, eventually deciding that the choir would perform songs from such choral heavyweights as Mozarto, Bachu, and Johnu Denvero.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until after the first intermission that the Americans reportedly realized that they were reading the program for the choir's Christmas extravaganza, which was to take place a few weeks later.  "Yeah, I knew that," Erik was quoted as saying.

 

Then, after Erik happened upon an English translation of the actual program for that concert, he allegedly exclaimed with glee that he knew three of the songs to be performed: "In Paradisum" from the Faure requiem, the American spiritual "Freedom is Coming," and the a capella classic "So Much In Love."  In a press release issued just moments ago, Erik's spokesperson stated that Erik had sung "In Paradisum" and "Freedom is Coming" while in Albion College's Concert Choir.   And although Erik's discriminating taste would never allow him to say that he first heard "So Much in Love" performed by pop group All-4-One, Erik did mention that he knew that these "Boyz II Men wannabes" had indeed sung this song.

 

In any event, during the performance of "Freedom is Coming," our reporter describes a scene of "pure idiocy."  Erik apparently began singing along, while simultaneously clapping.  He evidently sung the bass line, thinking that it would be quiet enough so that only he could hear.  He was wrong.

 

In a statement from Kari Jo, Erik's traveling companion, the singing was "annoying the hell out of me.  And can he sing?  No."  Some of the people around Erik in the crowd also gave statements to ENN:  "Let's enjoy concert togesher," and "Eriku is good singer."

 

As always, stay with ENN as we track the Hiroshima community's reaction to yet another social misstep. 

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