Ladies and gentlemen, this is an historic day for your Most Important Blog... Ever.
As you know, we have two occasional awards that we bestow upon amazing individuals -- real or corporate -- as the need arises. The first is the coveted Jon Stewart Personal Hero Award, and the second is the ignoble Wal-Mart Douchebag Award, given to my personal anti-hero. The true doucheyness signified by the latter, disgusting award can be seen in its former recipients: Wal-Mart, Sir Douchebag Armstrong Williams, Sir Douchebag Ken Blackwell, and Sir Douchebag John Cornyn. A special Nemesis Edition of the award was given to my personal nemesis, Sir Ian Douglass.
Tonight's douchey honoree is so fetidly douchey, there is a documentary film about nothing but his douchyness. He perfected the art of fixing elections. Most agree that he is an evil genius, using such tactics as spreading fliers around predominently African-American neighborhoods reminding voters to pay their bills before heading to the polls, while also advertising an incorrect voting date. And if that's not douchey enough for you, tonight's recipient also took the art of the push poll to new levels, destroying the John McCain campaign for President by calling voters in South Carolina, desiging questionaires asking "If you knew that McCain fathered 5 illigitimate children with 4 different women, would you be more or less likely to vote for George W. Bush?"
This douchebag's basic strategy is to attack -- in a viscious and personal way -- any critics that might damage the reputation of President Bush. This is the worst kind of politics. This guy believes that politics shouldn't be about issues and ideas, but only about winning elections by throwing shit at anyone who disagrees with him. In fact, this guy is so thoroughly douchey that he was fired by President George H.W. Bush in 1992 for leaking information to none other than huge douche Robert Novak. Sound familiar?
Recent developments show that this man was responsible for leaking information in 2003 to huge douche Robert Novak which outed an undercover CIA agent, all in the name of personally discrediting a critic of President George W. Bush during the run up to the disaster in Iraq. President Bush promised to "deal with" anyone in his administration leaking information like this -- and outing an undercover agent is a federal crime.
With this new information, we take no pleasure and hold our noses as we give th---
Wait.
Wait, this just in. Unbelievable. We've recieved a dramatic phone call from our source at the White House, and we have been given permission to change the name of the Wal-Mart Douchebag Award to:
Congratulations, Sir Douchebag Karl Rove -- you look nothing like me, and you are the newest recipient and will forever be enshrined in the name of the dubious Douchebag Award.
As you know, we have two occasional awards that we bestow upon amazing individuals -- real or corporate -- as the need arises. The first is the coveted Jon Stewart Personal Hero Award, and the second is the ignoble Wal-Mart Douchebag Award, given to my personal anti-hero. The true doucheyness signified by the latter, disgusting award can be seen in its former recipients: Wal-Mart, Sir Douchebag Armstrong Williams, Sir Douchebag Ken Blackwell, and Sir Douchebag John Cornyn. A special Nemesis Edition of the award was given to my personal nemesis, Sir Ian Douglass.
Tonight's douchey honoree is so fetidly douchey, there is a documentary film about nothing but his douchyness. He perfected the art of fixing elections. Most agree that he is an evil genius, using such tactics as spreading fliers around predominently African-American neighborhoods reminding voters to pay their bills before heading to the polls, while also advertising an incorrect voting date. And if that's not douchey enough for you, tonight's recipient also took the art of the push poll to new levels, destroying the John McCain campaign for President by calling voters in South Carolina, desiging questionaires asking "If you knew that McCain fathered 5 illigitimate children with 4 different women, would you be more or less likely to vote for George W. Bush?"
This douchebag's basic strategy is to attack -- in a viscious and personal way -- any critics that might damage the reputation of President Bush. This is the worst kind of politics. This guy believes that politics shouldn't be about issues and ideas, but only about winning elections by throwing shit at anyone who disagrees with him. In fact, this guy is so thoroughly douchey that he was fired by President George H.W. Bush in 1992 for leaking information to none other than huge douche Robert Novak. Sound familiar?
Recent developments show that this man was responsible for leaking information in 2003 to huge douche Robert Novak which outed an undercover CIA agent, all in the name of personally discrediting a critic of President George W. Bush during the run up to the disaster in Iraq. President Bush promised to "deal with" anyone in his administration leaking information like this -- and outing an undercover agent is a federal crime.
With this new information, we take no pleasure and hold our noses as we give th---
Wait.
Wait, this just in. Unbelievable. We've recieved a dramatic phone call from our source at the White House, and we have been given permission to change the name of the Wal-Mart Douchebag Award to:
The Karl Rove Douchebag Award, Sponsored By Wal-Mart.
Congratulations, Sir Douchebag Karl Rove -- you look nothing like me, and you are the newest recipient and will forever be enshrined in the name of the dubious Douchebag Award.
Nice to see that you're wholeheartedly endorsing the liberal mantra of innocent until proven guilty.
- Sir Ian Douglass
Oh, really? How's that, Sir?
Does Rove's innocence have something to do with the definition of the word 'is'?
By the way, to clarify, I am more than happy to presume that Rove is not guilty of any crime until proven otherwise.
But by his own admission, he was involved in the leak of Plame's identity.
And, on September 23, 2003, the White House Spokesperson, Scott McClellan, said "If anyone in this Administration was involved in it [the leak], they would no longer be in this Administration."
I'm just asking Bush to restore honor and integrity to the White House.