Erik Escalates War With Birds

-- SANTA BARBARA ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS, California

ENN has learned that Erik recently enflamed his long-standing "war against birds" by flipping the bird to a rare, exotic creature at the Santa Barbara Zoo.

"Screw that bird and all birds," Erik told ENN reporters on the scene before storming off to the giraffe exhibit.

Later that day, ENN received an anonymous message from "The Bird Kingdom," signed by "The Royal Poop-bah," stating that "the cease-fire is over.  Erik's Honda is ours.  And he'd better start wearing hats again.  This time, it's personal."

Erik's "war against birds" began in 1998 when a bird dropped a giant, purple, nutty load right into the nape of Erik's neck while he worked at Beech Woods Pool in Michigan.  "I'll never forget it," Erik told CNN's Larry King in 1999.  "I was just minding my own business as the head lifeguard when suddenly I felt a strange wetness on my neck.  Everyone was laughing at me... I... stop.  Turn off the camera.  I'm sorry."

The birds, for their part, told Animal Planet's Jack Handy that they consider Erik a "war criminal."  Several birds have accused Erik of killing untold dozens of nesting eggs.  In a 1999 interview on Australian television, one parakeet claimed that "He [Erik] or his minions cleared nests out of water slides, lifeguard chairs, and pool gutters over and over again for years.  We lost so many children, I... I... stop.  Turn off the camera."

Erik says that he has been pooped on by birds "at least" seven times, including three times in Michigan, once in Jerusalem, and twice in Japan.  When confronted with the fact that these poopings only add up to six times, Erik said, "Well, it was seven times.  And I'm not even counting what I see on my car right now."

Stay with ENN for more developments in this ongoing battle as they happen.